As I sit in my heated studio apartment, staring out at the building scheduled for demolition right outside my window, I ponder how much time has passed, and how little has changed. Like that building, my time also will eventually come. Reflecting further on death, I ascertained that its consequence I fear most is the misattribution of dreams and misunderstanding of character directed towards an isolated, unrealized me. That I will be buried along with my unfulfilled goals and unexpressed insights, my thoughts decomposing in the dark underground instead of circulating via lively conversations or publications. I suppose this means I conflate the fulfillment of my aspirations to a yet unrealized level of self-expression, as is fitting for a budding writer. This cements in my mind the idea that authorship is my long-held dream.

Ancillary goals spring forth from this fact: the frustratingly unmet reading quotas, an increasingly binding obligation to jot down my thoughts in a more organized routine, and the acquisition of sociological, psychological and philosophical knowledge in service of my writing —be it essays in these areas, or incorporating their insights into the various facets of composing prose fiction. These still seem so far from the current me, the software developer too busy with work. More accurately, too disorganized to properly cope with my weekly workload while also finding time to start these first steps. I think this is the worst aspect of entering the work-force with a comparatively low wage, and no affordable/nearby access to further higher education. I feel buried already.

I’ll keep trying, I guess. I think for now my short term goal should be to increase my wage, to save up for a potential move. There are various nearby areas with good academic institutions, not excluding Toronto. I’ll work on my routine and try to make more time for this blog (Thanksgiving break being my only recent opportunity), and make a habit of reading. On that front, I’ve been going through Sociology by Anthony Giddens. Maybe that will stimulate my essay chops enough to vomit out something in the coming months. Fingers crossed…

Art by Tsukumizu (@lililjiliijili on twitter.com)